1 year of marriage A-Z

August 23, 2013

A - Apples - Nick's go-to snack when he can't find food
B - Brownies - sunday night weakness
C - Cruise - our honeymoon to the Bahamas - our first cruise! we loved it!
D - Deals - Safeway monday night FHE meal. My fav
E - Endless - the amount of youtube videos Nick can watch on the newest cell phones coming out, or WWII planes
F - Flooding - the reason our basement was a hot mess for 2 weeks
G - Garage sale finds for our new house
H - Hair cut - I chopped my hair off
I - Ice Cream - what Nick shouldn't eat, but somehow convinces me to get most Mondays for FHE
J - Just one more year at the Lethbridge College!
K - Ky - what Nick calls me when he's being especially tender :)
L - Lactose Intolerance - we found out why Nick kept getting sick.. boo.
M - Money - we learned how to budget and work together with finances
N - Netlifx nights watching Breaking Bad
O - One year - the timeline we initially thought we'd try to have our first baby. Ya, that's changed.
P - Photo radar - we Nick has gotten too many of these!
Q - Quiet - the introvert book that helped me learn a TON about myself
R - Root canal - poor Nick
S - Snoring - why I wear earplugs every night
T - Tacos - Nicks favorite. And a meal I never made before getting married
U - Universal Studios - first theme park together
V - Vegetables - I try to get Nick to eat them in sneaky ways
W - WiiU - because I wouldn't let Nick buy an Xbox One
X - eXplosion of babies!!... why we no longer have any couple friends...
Y - Yellow and Navy - the color of our wedding, and now our guest bedroom haha
Z - Zits - Nick refuses to let me pop his!

The talk that changed my marriage, before it even started

Have you ever had one of those moments where truth touches you so deeply that you get that anxious and nauseous feeling like you're going to burst? I think of the Grinch who's heart grew 3 sizes and I swear mine is pounding so hard that it is growing larger by the minute. There are so many words to say and ways to say them.

I have been reminiscing over the past year as Nick and I's first anniversary is coming up. A thought came to my mind at work today, it was a whisper reminding me of a talk that I had read a few years ago. It is one of my favorites. It changed the course of my life. I would not be the person I am now if I had not read it and tried to live the principles contained in it. My marriage would not be as strong as it is today if Elder Holland had not taught these principles to me years before I got married. Many lessons that might have been learned the hard way this first year of marriage have been avoided because of Elder Holland's warnings.

I printed it off and read it again. It's funny how words you've read a hundred times, words you know so well... you forget. When you read them again you get that same feeling you did the first time. This talk is a must for every relationship - boyfriend/girlfriend, fiances, spouses, it is a good reminder of how we should treat each other.

It's a BYU Devotional by Jeffrey R. Holland entitled "How do I love thee?" from February 15, 2000.

Here is the link:
http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=326

Never in any other time or circumstance in my life have I understood more about charity than in marriage. I have never felt or exercised Christ-like love more than in my marriage. There is unlimited patience, kindness, selflessness and ability in charity. It is a love I wish I could exercise in absolutely every relationship I have, but it is easiest to exercise with my husband, Nick. I love him more deeply than I knew there was capacity for in this tender little heart of mine.

If you're ready for God to show you your (not your spouses... ) weaknesses in your marriage it's time to read this talk, even the strongest marriages can become a little stronger :)

Ether 12:27
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

My favorite quotes from Elder Holland's talk
- Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad.

- Most problems in love and marriage ultimately start with selfishness

- There are lots of limitations in all of us that we hope our sweethearts will overlook. I suppose no one is as handsome or as beautiful as he or she wishes, or as brilliant in school or as witty in speech or as wealthy as we would like, but in a world of varied talents and fortunes that we can't always command, I think that makes even more attractive the qualities we can command-such qualities as thoughtfulness, patience, a kind word, a true delight in the accomplishment of another. These cost us nothing, and they can mean everything to the one who receives them.

- In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person's care you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure.

- Temper tantrums are not cute even in children; they are despicable in adults, especially adults who are supposed to love each other. We are too easily provoked; we are too inclined to think that our partner meant to hurt us-meant to do us evil, so to speak; and in defensive or jealous response we too often rejoice when we see them make a mistake and find them in a fault. Let's show some discipline on this one. Act a little more maturely. Bite your tongue if you have to.

- No one ought to have to face such trials alone. We can endure almost anything if we have someone at our side who truly loves us, who is easing the burden and lightening the load.

- [Charity] is there through thick and thin. It endures through sunshine and shadow, through darkest sorrow and on into the light. It never fails. So Christ loved us, and that is how He hoped we would love each other.

-You want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does.

Engagement Story

June 16 - 1 year ago today I got engaged! And what a surprise it was!! I've never written out our engagement story before, so here it is... or you can just watch the video and call it quits.

We had been looking at rings for a while. I absolutely fell in love with one at Paris Jewellers in the mall. I had looked at a lot of rings in a lot of stores and never seen anything like it. I was hooked. Too bad it was over our budget... WAY over. The lady at the store told us it could likely go on sale, but even then it was on the high end of our budget. We put it on hold just in case. Normally I'm not the fancy shmancy type, or the type of girl to want an expensive ring, but for some reason I could not love anything else. Nick loved the ring too, we both talked about it the whole way home how much we both loved it.

 So I started researching trying to find something smaller in size, or similar that we could afford. I found one I could create at People's that was smaller, had the same kind of style and was within our budget . I gave Nick all the information on how to order it and I knew it would take 6 weeks to get it customized. I'm a bit of a control freak. When I want things to get done I want them to get done right now. So it was really hard for me relinquish my power. 

I waited and waited for any hint of him getting the ring but nothing, a couple of months passed. I called the store, the order still hadn't been placed. I was getting more and more discouraged. Finally on Father's Day weekend we had a good talk about how stressed out we've both been and how he was trying to find the perfect weekend but things kept coming up. Nick mentioned my dream ring had gone on sale and he was going to surprise me with it. So we almost just decided to get engaged right then and there to take the pressure off. But Nick still wanted to do something special, so we drove to the mall to see if the ring was still on sale or to place the order for my 2nd choice. Nick didn't want me coming with him, so I went to the food court to kill time. He came back and told me an older couple had come into the store and bought my dream ring, it had been on hold for so long the ladies at the store didn't think we wanted it anymore. He told me he went and placed the order so in 6 weeks we will be engaged! We had separate cars at the mall so we were going to meet at my parents and head out to the farm for Father's Day festivities.

I was a little sceptical about his story. I mean come on, another couple just HAPPENED to buy the ring the same day Nick was going to? This was classic boyfriend 101. Lying about the ring so you can "surprise" the girl. I wanted to know if he was lying, so I called Paris Jeweller on the way home. I told the lady my name and asked if my ring was still on hold. She asked if I could hold she would go check. Little did I know Nick went straight to the jewellery store to buy my dream ring. (he WAS lying just as I suspected) He was in the store when I called!! She told Nick his girlfriend was on the phone asking about the ring and what she should tell me. Nick thought "that little snoop dog!! trying to see if I was lying..." so he told her to tell me it had sold earlier and to apologize to me, they didn't know we still wanted it. So the lady told me exactly that. I hung up and was kinda bummed. I was THIS close to getting that amazing ring. Oh well. Nick's story checked out and I would have to wait 6 weeks for the other one to come in. At least I was getting a ring I kept thinking.... (I guess Nick's story was partially true, apparently an older couple HAD come in and looked at the ring earlier that day, wanting to buy it!!)

Apparently Nick got right to work, he got his plan rolling into action with the help of his family (1 day to get everything ready!) and texted all of my family to let them know he was going to propose the next day.

{NEXT DAY}

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was super grumpy. Nick surprised me by driving from Barnwell to go to church with me. He never does that, but I didn't think anything of it. We had a nice day at church together but I desperately needed a nap and I was getting grumpier and grumpier. Nick told me to take a nap and take my time getting ready then come out to Barnwell for Father's Day dinner. I woke up from my nap, still not in the best of moods and almost called to tell Nick I didn't want to come out for dinner I just wanted to stay home. But I decided to be a good sport and so I showered and headed out there. 

During the summer Nick had cleaned out his Grandma Johnson's quonset and found big barrels full of food storage, some of them were labelled instant mashed potatoes and Nick's imagination started going wild. When I arrived at the Johnson house they were making a kiddy pool full of instant mashed potatoes (apparently when they opened the barrels they were actually full of wheat!! So they had to improvise and Nick's dad went out and bought like 20 boxes of instant mashed potatoes). Nick's family later that night asked me if I was at all suspicious of why the heck they were making a pool full of mashed potatoes, but honestly nothing crossed my mind. I was completely oblivious. It had Nick written all over it, he is always coming up with crazy stuff like this.

Nick's sister's Alisha and Carly had me help them put the kids prizes into plastic baggies to hide in the mashed potatoes. So we put in chocolate bars, nail polish, dollar store action figures, etc. Sneakily Alisha showed me the little princess ring they got for one of Nick's nieces, Lily. It was in a little sparkly heart shaped box. Again, totally oblivious. I mean why would I be suspicious? My ring had sold and we ordered another one to come in 6 weeks from now. The kids got into their swimsuits and we were gonna start playing games, trying to find the prizes. I tried to hide in the kitchen and clean up dinner and do the dishes but Nick kept saying I got voted to go first against his brother-in-law Tony. I told him I was happy to stay in the kitchen and clean up, I'll watch out the window, but he wouldn't have it. He asked me to be a good sport, so I finally went outside dragging my feet. I did not want to get dirty and get mashed potatoes all over me....

no clue what is about to happen in a few minutes

both Tony and I got blind folded and Alisha hid the "prize" in the pool. Whoever found it first won.

There were a lot of cameras and video cameras out but I didn't think anything of that either. I mean it's Father's Day and the kids are playing in a pool full of mashed potatoes. Why wouldn't people be documenting this? For someone who didn't want to play the game in the first place I was being oddly competitive. I attribute that to the Orr blood in me. I found the prize and pulled it out! I wanted to see what I got so with the blindfold on I took out a plastic ring box. I knew it was the one Alisha had showed me earlier with a plastic ring in it. So I yelled "yes!! I finally got a ring!" Implying I had been waiting forever to get engaged. (Little did I know...) And I opened the box to put the plastic ring on my finger. Then my blindfold flew off and I looked what was in my fingers and it was THE ring! I was so confused. This was impossible. It had sold...This was all running through my mind while Nick got down on one knee and proposed. I was floored! I had specifically stipulated 2 things to Nick for when he proposed to me:
#1) I didn't want him to do it in front of anyone. I wanted it to be just the 2 of us
#2) I didn't want anything fancy. I just wanted him to tell me why he loved me and wanted to marry me

So much for just the 2 of us! I got proposed to in front of his whole family! But it was perfect. The surprise was much better. Family and Friends were on standby waiting to come out to Barnwell to congratulate us and have cake and dessert with us. It was such a special day! And to think I was grumpy earlier!

Courtesy of Nicole Maclean Photography

https://www.facebook.com/NicoleMacleanPhotography

Courtesy of Meghan Maxwell Photography

http://www.meghanmaxwell.com/

Budgeting

Budgeting is something we've been trying to do as a couple ever since we got married last fall. It's taken almost an entire year to revamp the budget and figure out what is realistic and what will work for both of us. We have finally worked out something we are happy with and excited about!! Everybody's lives and marriages are so different so you really do have to spend some crucial time trying out a few different things. We failed a LOT at budgeting before we got the hang of it. 10 months later here we are! Stick with it! You will eventually find a good balance for the two of you. Here are a few things that have worked for us:

Gail's Budget (http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/)
Gail Vaz Oxlade is the TV personality who hosts Til Debt Do Us Part. She has an awesome blog that was super helpful for beginner budgeters like us. It educates on how to start budgeting, and what you will need to include in your budget etc. She also has a ton of helpful tips on savings accounts, mortgages, RRSPs etc. This is just the kickstart you need!! -->  http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/resources/guide_to_building_budget.html

I used her budget model and changed it to fit our needs. 
http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/resources/interactive_budget_worksheet.html
(You can also download the excel spreadsheet version which is what I used to plan our monthly budget)

www.mint.com
Mint is an awesome budgeting website that extracts all of your debit/credits from your bank accounts and allocates them to different categories so you can track your spending. You can also set goals and track your progress online.

My favorite part of Mint is the live feed that shows how much money you've spent from your budget during any time of the month. The visibility of it helps keep us accountable to our spending habits and sometimes watch our money slip away faster than we would like!! If you overspend in any category you will get an e-mail notification saying you're over budget. Mint also sends e-mails for any unusual spending that's happened, if a large bill is due, or just friendly budgeting tips!

At first we tried to use mint.com exclusively, but the online visibility wasn't quite working for Nick, he wouldn't visit our Mint account at all during the month - so it was kind of a one-sided tool. I needed something that would work for both of us.

Excel Spreadsheet
Using Mint to track our spending for the last 10 months - I was able to use their website to figure out what kind of dollar amounts were reasonable for each category. Nick made a point of saying the budget needs to be realistic and achievable, because what's the point of going over-budget every month. My friend Kaitlyn had taken Gail's budget and simplified it into her own excel spreadsheet. I absolutely LOVED how hers turned out, it is so simple and visually it is exactly what we needed! I did up a pretend budget so you get an idea of how simple it is. Everyone has a different lifestyle so yours will look much different! I used very basic numbers for the sample. At the end of every month I input my real numbers (because bills are subject to change month to month) and see how much is leftover. I let the leftover money roll forward into our account.

CASH JARS
Instead of trying to keep track of things "virtually" on Mint we decided actually seeing the money would work best for us. Gail Vaz Oxlade has people use cash jars on her show, she explains them here--> http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/articles/budgeting/magic_jars.html.

I bought these jars at the dollar store and put vinyl stickers on. We take out cash at the beginning of each month and put them in our mutual spending jars. If we need anything for household supplies/toiletries, cards for birthdays, vacation expenses, blinds for the house etc we have to use money out of the jar and replace the money with the receipt. The best part of the cash jars is that when the cash is gone - no more spending for you!! No going over budget when you have no more money to spend.

The first Monday of every month is our Family Home Evening Budget night. We go over receipts, the budget, check over bank transactions and see how we are doing on our goals. Its a habit we want to establish for ourselves and for our future family!
***keep jars locked up, hidden away in a safe place***

Our Top 5 Budgeting Tips for Couples

(disclaimer: these are for couples who have joint bank accounts and share finances)

1. Be honest with yourself and your spouse about your spending

2. Have separate spending money that you can use without having to be accountable to your spouse. Spend it, save it - it's yours to do with as you please! (gets rid of a lot of guilt and tension between the two of you!)

3. Make realistic goals

4. Go over finances together regularly

5. If at first, or second, or third, or fourth... you don't succeed, try try again! Be patient!

The Truth About Being An Introvert

Hi. My name is Kylie... and I'm an introvert.

This is a topic that has been on my mind for months. I have only recently come to terms with what being an introvert even means. When people asked me if I was an introvert or extrovert I didn't know what to say. I always thought being an introvert meant you liked being a loner. It was always a big joke with me and my other introverted friends. "People want to hang out?" #introvertproblems. "Had an awesome weekend with myself watching Netflix" #introvertheaven.

In High School it was so exciting hanging out with new people, you're full of hormones, starting to date boys and slowly you're becoming an adult. In my first year of YSA I had a new found freedom staying up late, hanging out with boys, doing what I wanted when I wanted. All of a sudden I was burning out. The novelty was starting to wear off, and slowly I started spending more and more weekends alone. I kept thinking "what is wrong with me?" Why did all my friends want to hang out EVERY single night, but I was happy to simply stay home and watch Gilmore Girls with myself? It's not like I wasn't fun, or didn't like my friends. I just happen to enjoy spending a lot of downtime with myself. It got increasingly "worse". At one point I thought, "am I depressed?". When Nick went on his mission I was perfectly content day in and day out to go to work, exercise, make healthy meals and see some of my close friends on occasion. I enjoyed my solitude. I was perfectly happy. People were always encouraging me to stop "hiding out", to get out and "have some fun". Confused, again. Sometimes hanging out in big groups, spending my weekends out all night wasn't fun for me. I enjoy hanging out with friends, in fact, I have some amazing friends! They make me laugh till my sides hurt. They listen to my problems and ask me how I'm doing when life is rough. We talk about life and people and news and ideas. I need friends. But maybe not as much as everyone else. When I get too busy or have too many plans I start to feel anxious and stressed out. I would cancel last minute, or make up excuses. I felt bad about my introversion. Like one of my weaknesses was not wanting to socialize ALL THE TIME. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I'm sure there are some of you reading this who have felt the same way!

When I was in High School my dad had me do an Aptitude Test in California. We did one-on-one testing for 2 days. The lady told me at the end what my natural abilities were. She explained I would find happiness in a career if I was already naturally good at it. Work could be more fulfilling for me if my natural talents and strength were being utilized. I wouldn't have to work so hard to be a certain way for a job. I remember being tested for introversion or extroversion but I didn't care at the time (I mean what does that have to do with your career anyway?) I had my mind set on what I wanted to do already and ignored some of the results. I love my job. Most of you already know that, I talk about it constantly. I love the critical thinking, working with technology, problem solving nature of it. And yet there is a tender, loving and kindness to touch people's lives that I cannot go without either. It is the best of both worlds. I didn't realize how extroverted my job was until I was married. I spend all day talking to people, discussing their problems, making small talk, making jokes, making people laugh - lifting their spirits. We work in teams, consulting each other in every decision (which we need to for patient safety reasons). I need to be ON all day. And then being married and coming home and needing to be ON as well made me really exhausted. Nick would ask "why are you so grumpy when you come home from work? I thought you loved your job?" I didn't feel grumpy though. I was just tired. I didn't feel like talking about my day as soon as I got home, or talking at all. I just wanted a few minutes to turn off, to just sit peacefully and enjoy some silence. I needed to regenerate. But that felt silly, I shouldn't feel that way. Happy people don't need that, they are happy all the time. I must be sucky to live with...

I read on Facebook one day a silly cartoon called "How to interact with the introverted...." http://themetapicture.com/how-to-interact-with-the-introverted/ The hilarious part was I actually found it to be one of the most helpful things I have ever read. I learned SO much about myself from it. I learned that introverts gain energy from spending time alone, and actually expend energy being with people. And that extroverts gain energy from being around people. It's like a little lightbulb went off on in my head and my journey began. I diagnosed myself. I was an introvert. There was nothing wrong with me at all! I was just an introvert living in an extrovert society. I felt guilty about my personality, like society needed me to be a certain way and because I was different it felt wrong.

Let me be clear that there is no right or wrong here. It is not better to be an introvert or an extrovert. They each carry their own set of strengths. We need both introverts and extroverts in homes, businesses, religions, politics and societies. I think by being a little more understanding of one another there is so much to learn and so much success waiting to happen.

I read a book called "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. She is an introvert, and many of the topics and concepts in her book fascinated me. It was as if she knew the desires and questions of my heart before I did. She explains so powerfully how I feel. She uses history, case studies, research, and peoples experiences to uncover how we have become an extroverted society. She shows us the valuable nature of introverts and that we have something to offer the world too, that our strengths and contributions have been forgotten somewhere down the road. She shares the stories of Craig Newmark (Craig's List), Steve Wozniak (Apple), Moses, Bill Gates, Newton, Rosa Parks, Einstein, Dr. Seuss, the list goes on. She does case studies at Harvard Business School (where 20% of the top three executives at the Fortune 500 companies were Harvard Business School grads between 2004-2006)... ok ok I won't tell you everything in her book, read it yourself. It will be one of them most inspiring books you will ever read. Extroverts should read it too, chances are you will have an introverted child, husband, coworker, student or friend. You will learn much about yourself too. We are all introverts and extroverts in certain ways. No one is really 100% one way.

One of my favorite quotes from Susan Cain's book, "Introverts living under the Extrovert Ideal are like women in a man's world, discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are. Extroversion is an enormously appealing personality style, but we've turned it into an oppressive standard to which most of us feel we must conform."

Music to my soul! Susan has helped me feel entitled to be myself, to learn what my strengths are, and how I can contribute and function in a society that is always pushing for group projects, teams, loud leaders and great personalities.

Confessions of an introvert

• I love going to bed. It's one of my favorite times of the day. There's nothing like slipping into your pajamas after a long day, turning the lights off and snuggling up in the silence that comes with nighttime. Nothing but you and your own thoughts before bed as your drift into dreamland. It's so peaceful and beautiful.

• I love silence. When I was a teenager I was constantly listening to music, every second of the day. But now, I love driving in silence. I can't remember the last time I listened to the radio, probably 4 or 5 years ago. I need time to think. I need time to be still. I don't enjoy white-noise when I'm working, cleaning, or doing menial thinks. My phone is always on silent, I don't need the constant buzz or ding of my phone. I hate answering phone calls. Lots of time I will let my phone go to the answering machine and I will call people back when I have mentally prepared for a conversation. Is that rude? I hope not. Because that's what I need. It's not ignoring people, it's not because I hate people. I just need to do things on my own terms sometimes.

• I love singing. I don't love singing with other people. It's not because I'm snotty or think I'm better than other people. I just don't like coordinating with peoples schedules, I don't like having to work in teams, I like to do things solo. I like worrying about me. I sing things that are important to me, that have a message I can share with people. I don't enjoy performing broadway or musicals or taking on a character. I like being myself, just sharing my truth. I like things simple. 

• I enjoy small groups. Big groups take up a lot of my energy. There is a perception out there that life is better if you have more friends, more weekend plans, if you're always busy doing "fun" things. You instagram and facebook every single "fun" moment you've ever had so people think "wow! their life is so great, they have so much fun". If I did that I would have a whole lot of instagram pictures of me going to bed early, watching tv, making a pan of brownies or cleaning my house... because those things are fun for me and make my life better. My mom is the same way. Let her stay home on a Friday night with a Dr. Pepper and a fuzzy blanket and you've got one happy Mamma Ju. It's the life of an introvert and it's awesome.