Blah Blah Blah

I've been feeling sorry for myself lately. Don't you hate that? Sometimes I wish I were a super happy, bubbly, energetic person all the time, but for most of us that's not the case. Although, there are a few people out there that I wonder if they are human or not. HOW DO THEY DO IT? Do they have the most spectacular life ever? Or are they just that kind of person. Sometimes its hard to tell these days, considering everyone has a spectacular life on social media. Just in a bit of a funk and hoping to come out of it soon. I have been actually quite excited about a book I've been reading about keeping a tidy home. I've been slowly chopping away at the house ridding it of all unnecessary STUFF. I am kind of in the thick of things right now so I don't feel like I can fully enjoy the benefits until this process is done. I will write about it soon. Other than that I am looking forward to going to the Pinners Conference in Utah for my birthday with my cousin Sharee and getting out of the house for a weekend by myself. A little United States air/food does the soul good sometimes. A couple bubble baths and some Chicago Fire are on the agenda for this week. Maybe a little me-time will help me find a little perspective!

Busy mom freezer meals (mexican edition)

We're all busy. Whether you stay at home, or you work. It's all madness and sometimes dinner is the last thing I want to do at the end of the day. I did some serious prep this weekend getting ready for work and Rory starting daycare and some portion control for Nick and I. I try and do meals with similar groceries so I can save some money that way. We will be eating mexican for a couple weeks haha, good thing everything mexican is delicious!! I bought a huge grocery haul on Friday and then prepped these 4 meals over the weekend when I had a little time. Let me know if you try any of these and enjoy them as much as we do!

For the enchiladas I assemble and freeze them before cooking. I do a couple family sized ones and then some individual ones for Nick and I to take for lunch. I freeze them in tupperware or tinfoil freezer dishes

Honey Lime Chicken Enchiladas

Beef Enchiladas

These ones I cook completely then let cool and pack into individual tupperware or tinfoil freezer dishes

Crock Pot Chicken Enchilada Soup

Crock Pot Chicken Taco Chili

Snowbird 2016

Our annual Orr family Utah trip! Last year we missed out due to the fact Rory's due date was smack dab in the middle of the trip and surprise!! He decided to come while my whole family was away. We were extra excited to go this year, its been a while since we've done a family vacation. Just a little highlight video of the trip

I'm back at work - the cliff notes edition

Back to work. The days crept closer and closer and I completely ignored the reality of it. We were in Utah for a week, then it was my sister Darby's wedding, then all of a sudden the day was here. To sum it up simply there was a lot of crying, like A LOT. For the rest of the summer Nick is working Mon/Tues and I work Wed/Thurs/Fri until he goes back to school in the fall. So far Nick has proven himself to be a great "fommy" as he likes to be called. Here's a little recap:

My first morning back to work

All the stay-at-home moms words of comfort

Getting home and realizing I still get to spend 2.5-3 hours with Rory before bed

at work after being up half the night with Rory

Being reunited with my friends from work

Still got it even after being away for a year

Realizing it's already Friday and I get to be home for 4 days!

If I didn't love my job, and love what I do I'm sure this would be a lot harder. Some days are better than others, but I'm learning to settle into this new routine and trying to stay positive about it. I had a patient say to me yesterday "you're going to cure my cancer" with this sure look in their eyes and I was proud of the work we do and helping (hopefully) to make that possible. 

Are You My Mother?

Hello blog world, it has been a while. I've felt kind of blah the last little bit with nothing really to write about. In honour of eating like a triple king size kit kat cookies and cream chocolate bar (wow thats a mouthful) today lets sit down and get real.

My plan in life has always been to be a stay-at-home mom. My mom was a stay-at-home mom to 7 kids and I loved having her home anytime I needed her. I walked home every lunch hour from school and ate lunch with my brothers and sisters. At the end of the day my mom was always at home to greet us. That's what I've wanted for my kids too,  At this point in time (financially) I will not be able to stay home with Rory. I will be returning to work for 3 days of the week which will be enough income for us to get by with Nick still finishing school. It has actually been an amazing blessing to cut my hours down at work. I work in a very small clinic and part-time positions are extremely hard to come by. I'm so grateful that everything has worked out the way it has, I really feel like God is watching over me and listens to my prayers.

The mom world is a small world, especially now with social media. Sometimes it's a little too competitive or judgemental for my liking but maybe it's all in my head. Being a mom is hard enough without having to defend your choices to work outside the home, how you parent, your kid's bedtime, nutrition and the list goes on for dayssss.

I don't know if I'm sensitive about going back to work, or worried people are going to think I'm a bad mom for sending my kid to daycare... or that they're a better mom than me because they stay home 7 days a week. Truth is, I don't feel guilty one bit. I don't have an option to stay home full-time so I have decided to accept and enjoy what our situation is. I will get to see my friends ahem, coworkers, a couple times a week, see patients that I love and get some adult time in. I think Rory will enjoy it too! He loves playing with other kids and he will get to do fun crafts, play outside, and get some special attention.

All of these things going around and around in my mind day after day has had me trying really hard to focus on my family and stop judging whats going on around me. I know we don't mean to make silent judgments about other peoples' lives or families but lets get real, we do. I know I do. I've been really trying these last couple weeks to be sensitive to what I'm thinking or saying to people (and might I add SOOOO not perfect at this). If a mom decides to work outside the home good for her, if a mom decides to stay home good for her. If you put your kid to bed early good for you, if your kid stays up later good for you. If you let your kid eat sugar good for you, if your kid doesn't good for you.

Nick and I know what works for our family, for our kids and for our marriage. And you know what? other parents know what works for their family. So anytime I catch myself making silent judgments or silent suggestions I try and remember I'm not their mother. Shocking to think that their mother (and father) would actually know them better than me (insert hysterical laughter here). We are all different and we are all doing the best we can. So cheers to all you hard working parents out there! Just do you! I hope I'm one of your cheerleaders and not a spectator barking you orders or whispering criticism to others on the sidelines.

Bedtime Routines... and how I know that they work.

I have had Rory on a bedtime routine from the time he was probably a month old. It's helped him establish what "bedtime" is apart from just another nap. It helps wind him down from playing and calm down for bedtime. We start with a bath, put on jammies and lotion, read a couple of books, hugs and kisses, then fuzzy blankie and put him in the crib.

I suffered from some post-partum anxiety when Rory was very colicky, I would get extremely worked up to go anywhere in case he started crying, every time he woke up from a short nap I felt like I wanted to cry and give up, I felt like I had no control over my life. I would lay awake at night panicking about how I would get through another day. Would he cry all day tomorrow? Would I get to shower? Would I get to eat lunch? Would I find time to get dressed? Once I got Rory on a schedule and I was able to anticipate how my day was going to go I started coping a lot better. My anxiety level during the day was much better, but my insomnia was getting worse.

One month I took Nyquil almost every night to go to sleep. It took me on average 2 hours to fall asleep no matter what time I went to bed. My mind would race and jump to all kinds of places, not necessarily worrying, but just THINKING about stupid stuff. The longer I tossed and turned the worse my anxiety got. Eventually I would be in such a full blown panic I would crack open the Nyquil. Once I finally fell asleep Rory would wake up to eat and I would have to fall asleep all over again, another hour or two. After a month of that I decided I couldn't do that anymore. No more Nyquil for me. Plus I had run out haha. After another couple of months with nothing changing and feeling like a total crazy person I decided I needed to do something to help me fall asleep. I didn't want to take anxiety medication, or sleeping pills, so I researched ways to help insomnia via the good old internet. I needed to shut my mind down and wind myself down and prepare my body for bed.

1. I put my phone away at least an hour before bed. No more cruising instagram before bed, no more texting conversations late at night. I found that stupid things I'd read or seen on social media would pop into my mind while I was tossing and turning at night.

2. I take a bath every night. Legit. I use Bath & Body Works essential oils aromatherapy blend SLEEP or STRESS RELIEF to help me wind down and calm my mind.

3. Last but not least I watch Full House on netflix during my bath, and before bed. Started in Season 1 you guys. This is no joke. For whatever reason Full House completely shuts my mind down and helps me feel totally calm. It is such a nice "feel-good" show!! Once I'm done my 2 episodes I close down the lap top, roll over and go to sleep

It's not an exact science. Some nights I still have insomia, but having a bedtime routine has definitely helped!!!! I was soaking in the tub one night when it dawned on me that essentially Rory and I have the same bedtime routine hahaha. I am like a little baby who needs structure and routine. But I'm telling you you guys... bedtime routines work. Rory and I will vouch for them anyday! Now I gotta get off of here, it's time for my bath! Night all!

Spring Rolls for Spring!

What you'll need:

Rice Paper

Vermicelli Rice Noodles

Seasonal vegetables

Cilantro

Shrimp

I was introduced to these delicious morsels at work by Gillian alias: "Gilly" (shout out to you Gilly if you ever read my blog hehe) In fact, everyone at work became obsessed with them and we would take turns making them and bringing them in to work to share. They never made it past 10am. Poor suckers never had a chance...  They are actually quite easy to make and I usually make about a dozen or so and then stick them in the fridge and eat them for lunch for a few days.  You'll have to excuse my awesome phone pictures, I need to step up my photo game.

**I might add that you can find the rice paper and vermicelli noodles in your international foods section of the grocery store. I buy mine at Save On Foods or Superstore

Step 1
Cook your vermicelli noodles, I put them in a pot of boiling water they cook FAST so keep an eye on them, 2-3 minutes and they are soft and ready to go. Strain and cool.

Step 2
Chop your vegetables. Options are endless, sweet peppers, avocado, cucumbers, shredded carrot, cilantro is a MUST, however, for people who don't like cilantro.. (are you crazy?!).. parsley or mint is another option.

Step 3
Soften your rice paper. I keep a plate of hot water on the table and put one in to soften while I wrap the one I'm working on. Softens in about a minute make sure its nice and pliable. Every 2 or 3 papers I replace the water so it stays hot.

Step 4
Wrap! I start with the rice noodles on the bottom then layer my vegetables, cilantro and shrimp. I fold down the top, right side, left side, then bottom. I don't like to make the wraps too long and skinny or else sometimes they are hard to dip!

  

Step 5

Dip! This is my favorite peanut sauce, it will bite you back its got some kick to it! You can buy peanut sauce at the store, or make your own at home. Without the peanut sauce these rice wraps are BLEH. Everyone knows their only purpose is to serve as a vehicle to the peanut sauce. It's like salad without dressing... you gotta dip em people!

Lately

Making: vintage Dr Pepper signs

Drinking: homemade dirty diet cokes
Reading: Blog posts
Wanting: Joanna Gaines to come knock every wall down in my house
Looking: For a buffalo plaid Tshirt scarf
Savoring: coconut macadamia nut chocolates  

Wasting: time watching TV
Enjoying: all this free time I have with Rory actually taking naps and sleeping at night
Waiting: for the new episode of the Bachelor... I cannot even handle waiting a week
Craving: Sushi
Wondering: how I'm going to parent my kids in this crazy world
Loving: Cheesecake
Hoping: for some nice weather to go on some walks
Needing: some serious one-on-one time with Nick
Marvelling: At how slow some days go by, but how fast the months do

Smelling: cupcake candles
Wearing: Some weird in between maternity and pre-pregnancy clothes
Watching: The Bachelor, Ellen, GMA, FABlife, Modern Family

Following: Justin Bieber again on Instagram. Him and Selena are meant to be together
Noticing: how long my hair is getting
Knowing: everything will work out
Thinking: way too much at bedtime
Feeling: anxious about going back to work in the summer
Pinning: weight watchers recipes
Giggling: at everything Rory does

Baby its Cold Outside - A Baby Shower

I feel like it has been baby showers galore in my life recently! Most of them being mine (haha), but this special baby shower was for my sister-in-law Alanna who is due in a couple weeks! We are so excited for Rory to have a boy cousin to grow up with! Can't wait to welcome Baby Lutz into the world we could not be happier for Nate and Lana! Since baby is coming in the middle of Winter Alisha and I threw her a "Baby its Cold Outside" shower. It turned out pretty fun :) I got to practice my handlettering too!

Confessions of a not-so-good-with-babies person

These last 2 months have been hard. I know you're all probably sick of hearing me talk about my struggles, especially since I know a lot of people would trade me places in a heartbeat. To be fair I wouldn't want to trade places with anyone. I am happy with where we are in life and starting our family and the joy that comes with being a mother. This is more just about my personality, and how me and babies... sometimes we just don't do well together.

I've never been a baby person. Kid person, yes! Baby person, no. I think mostly because I've always felt babies have had the upper hand on me. They're so finicky and I have never known enough about them to feel confident. (Double edged sword). I was terrified to hold other people's babies, and although they are tiny and cute, I liked enjoying them from a distance.

I became an Aunt when I was a teenager, and slowly (11 nieces and nephews later...) babies have crept their way into my heart. Albeit they went right back to mom and dad when they started to cry. I was told I would love my own babies, and that I would know what to do with my own baby. Which is partially true... but these last 6 months have proven that to be somewhat of a lie.

Maybe you're reading this and cannot relate in the slightest. You're probably a baby whisperer, aren't ya. Well if you're more like me (controlling, scheduled, never try anything new unless you're good at it right away, Type A, predictable...) then maybe it took you a little while to sort this baby thing out too. This is what I had to learn the hard way...

1. Know your stuff. 
If you want to be successful at something, don't just wing it. Don't just assume you'll know what to do, especially if you're not around babies much. There's no shame in needing to do research and make up a game plan. Ask your mom, your friends, your sisters, be vulnerable, ask questions. A couple of my friends suggested this book to me. I should have read it BEFORE Rory was born. Reading it while you try and sort out life and problems is not ideal. Once I put Rory on some sort of routine I was able to anticipate his needs and feel more confident with what I was doing. We did the EASY routine. Eat, Activity, Sleep, You-time. Good gracious how much easier it was to know what the heck he was crying about

That was all well and great, you feel confident and then we hit his tummy trouble, then we hit 4 month sleep regression, then we hit the holidays.... etc etc. It's hard not to feel overwhelmed with everything you can find on the internet, but picking a few resources you trust and others have found successful was what helped me weed out what to use. Another amazing resource in regards to sleep training, bedtime, schedules for difference ages, and any curveballs that show up as your baby grows was this blog (she is a Certified Infant & Child Sleep Consultant).

2. You don't need to prove anything to anyone.
Once I got Rory onto a routine I felt confident, he was sleeping GREAT, I was sleeping great. But what about going out with friends and doing things socially? I felt nervous about doing things out of routine, going places, having Rory stay up late, but I tried to tell myself I could be an easy-going mom. What a good mom I was (looked) that I could drag Rory around as I pleased, and we could still function and sleep great. I started making it all about me. And slowly but surely over the last 2 months his routine was flushed down the toilet, and so has our family's sleep. So here we are, 6 months old, sleep training my poor sad baby who is literally tired ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT because his poor little body has been living an adult lifestyle. Listen to your baby. Rory needs a routine to get in good naps, to get a good nights sleep, to be happy. It's time I started working around HIM and not the other way around. And if that makes me a crazy Type A mom, so be it! 

so-and-so

This week I've found myself playing what I will call the "wishing game". Normally I'm not one to really compare myself to other people, or really care about that sort of thing. I don't know if its all these hormones, or the insecurities that come with becoming a mom but HOLY do I ever feel like I have a million weaknesses. I have never felt so exposed. I am less patient and more grouchy... among many other things I will not list - just to preserve a little self esteem ha! The last couple weeks I've been needing some kind of boost, or change, or pick-me-up whatever you want to call it. I know something like that usually needs to happen around the time I start playing the wishing game. I wish this baby weight would melt away like so-and-so , I wish I was more fun like so-and-so, I wish I had cute hair like so-and-so, I wish I was as easy going as so-and-so, I wish I was as talented as so-and-so. Do you see where I'm going with this? Maybe I need to find some less cute/fun/talented/smart/beautiful friends!!!! No, thats not it. It's just reality check time. Time to take a good hard look in the mirror and be grateful for who you are. Time to make a pros and pros list about yourself, because chances are someone's playing the wishing game about you!

Confessions of an Introvert Mom

Some of you may recall a previous post I wrote about discovering that I am an introvert. If you don't know what an introvert is, you can read my post here. Motherhood has been an adjustment for me. To be honest I didn't think it would be as big of an adjustment as it has been. I thought I would just automatically love everything about being a mom, I was born for this kinda stuff. You guys. I have been humbled. I will admit I am very selfish with my time... maybe too selfish. I know my limits when it comes to social activities, church commitments, service... But I could probably bend my rules a little more to accommodate other people (my husband in particular... And now my baby). I NEED time to regenerate, to recharge the old batteries. Some people may think that's silly, or weird or stupid, but its how I work. The first couple months when you are doing late night feeding and feeding all day, every day, it's hard to catch a moment to yourself. Any spare moment I had I was catching up on sleep. (Which by the way does not count as recharging). I missed cooking and baking, my crafts, cleaning, scrapbooking, doing laundry, writing blog posts, taking a bath. I missed those little me-time activities I took for granted before.

A couple weeks after I had Rory I was having a hard time. I was prompted to pick up my phone and read a conference talk before bed, which I'll admit, I hadn't done in a long time. I read a talk entitled "Daughters of God" by M. Russell Ballard from April 2008 General Conference. Some of his words really spoke to me,

"...sisters, find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children."

What really struck me were his words "pick one or two things"... just ONE or TWO?! How am I to decide.... I just love so many things. But the spirit whispered that I would have to cut back. I would have to sacrifice, and that yes, those hobbies bring me much joy and happiness, but not the kind I will find devoting myself to motherhood. There is a balance between the two.

I do love being a mom. I don't always love that it's a 24.7 job but I'm sure I will grow to love that too. The more time and sacrifice I devote, the more comfortable I feel with all these changes.  Now that Rory is sleeping through the night (for the most part) I make sure to take a bath, to write a blog post or to hang a picture before bed, one little thing I like to do :) I also try and take a little moment to think about all these changes, to ponder how I'm feeling and sort out all these hormones emotions. This has made all the difference. I might need to adjust how much "me-time" I am used to... but in the meantime I am enjoying the journey :)

Nursing

I heard a lot of horror stories about nursing before I had Rory. To make a long nursing history short - it took Rory and I a few weeks to get things under control. He was a great latcher and a great eater but sometimes it hurt when he would first latch and my nipples were bruised. After a trip to the lactation nurse at the health clinic she tweaked a small thing I was doing and shazam! Never hurt again after that. (I know it sucks leaving the house those first couple weeks, but this appointment is a must) She also showed me how to do hands-free nursing with a nursing pillow and WOW that changed my life. Buying a nursing pillow was one of the best things I ever did. I literally take my nursing pillow with me EVERYWHERE. I get teased about it, but my nursing pillow and I are best friends, we are inseparable and thats that.  

I did not enjoy nursing those first few weeks. I felt like it took up my entire day, I was bored, tired, and it drug on and on. They are so slow when they are newborns! Night time feeds were the worst. I wanted to get back to sleep so bad and it made me impatient. I even texted one of my friends who exclusively pumped and bottle-fed her baby and asked her about it, I was desperate. Luckily she told me DONT DO IT, and explained to me how much work it is. She encouraged me to keep doing the breastfeeding and that it would get better. I started watching TV during nursing sessions and that really helped. I know "they" say bond with your baby, its time for you and him to grow close, dont do other activities... but you guys, this was my sanity we were talking about. We watched probably 6 seasons of Friends on netflix that first month. It was relaxing and made the time go by fast. I would even watch in the middle of the night.

Now I love nursing sessions. I think the love started because it was one of the few times in the day Rory wasn't crying haha. I got to put my feet up, turn on some TV, check my phone, eat a snack, close my eyes for a few minutes... it was my recharging time. I also enjoy that bonding time and sometimes I turn everything off and just enjoy a quiet moment with him. And what is it about nursing babies thats just SO cute?! Now Rory is a more productive eater and its only about 15 minutes, so I have mixed feelings about that haha. So to all you future mamas out there hang in there!! It's worth it in the end, as is everything with a new baby.... rough start, but worth it :)

Coping with Colic

Colic... Do we even really know what that means?? It's kind of a blanket term. It's the rule of 3's. Your baby has episodes of crying for more than 3 hours a day, 3 days a week, for 3 weeks. (And your baby is healthy otherwise)

Rory is a very gassy baby. He has been since around 3ish weeks. Have you ever had gas pain?? It's uncomfortable and sometimes painful. Imagine a tiny new baby in his new body dealing with gas pain. It involves a lot of sad cries and is sad to listen to. Between Rory's cries and mine we have had a few rough days to say the least.

We have tried everything. Trust me. Probiotics, dairy-free diet, bicycle kicks, elevation after eating, burping between feeds, kolik water, ovol, gripe water, pressure on the stomach, warm baths, tummy massage, essential oils... The list goes on. I've just come to the conclusion this is my life, correction, this is OUR life. Hopefully soon his GI tract will mature and my happy baby will be here to stay...

If you listen to the rule of 3's it doesn't require your baby to be crying 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Rory is a great sleeper at night, he usually sleeps around 8 hours straight. (Which I am sooo grateful for) You've probably seen him happy, smiley and content, and I'm sure some have thought "she is out to lunch" when I mention Rory is fussy. However, those hours of the week we rock, bounce, pat the bum, pump the legs, and basically stand on our heads, are enough to make me tired, grouchy and sad. But there's no one to blame, or be frustrated at, he's just a poor baby with a painful GI tract. It's not his fault, it's not mine. So we trudge on. We relish the good days where we get through with only an episode or two of being fussy. We cherish the smiles and the cooing, squacking and talking when things are good.

Here are a few tips I have found have helped me with a colicky baby. Keep in mind that I have only ONE child and some of these are probably harder for moms with multiple children. Most of these are just a reminder to myself how to cope.

Do something nice for someone else It sounds silly but it really does take your mind off your own problems. Time is limited with having a new baby but just a small act of kindness will help you stop feeling sorry for yourself. Text a friend, drop off a treat, compliment your husband... Small or great I promise it will help!

Remember it's OK to be frustrated I have terrible mom guilt. I feel frustrated with Rory and then feel bad for feeling frustrated. It's not his fault, he's just a baby. Then I feel bad because he's in pain and I should be sweet and caring. Well its hard to be sweet and caring all the time... This leads me to my next 2 tips...

Ask for help I am the worst for this. It's hard for me to even ask Nick to help. I feel guilty, he is so busy with school it makes me feel bad for asking him. Here's a tip. Don't feel bad. Nick has been happy to give me a break, even if just for an hour so I can take a bath or run to the grocery store by myself. Tip number two - often times people don't know you need help unless you ASK. It's amazing how often we forget that people can't read our minds!

Take a break Similar to ask for help, however this specifically entails you taking a break from baby. If Rory has had a few bad days in a row I start becoming a ticking time bomb with tears ready to explode at any moment. The problem is I get all worried leaving him with someone else. No one knows what works best like I do... But you NEED the rejuvenation. Even if he cries the whole time they will be fine! You do it all day! Someone else can do it for an hour.

Do something small to feel productive Part of my stress is that I get nothing done. He has a hard time napping because he wakes up every few minutes with gas pain. There are days I have held him his whole nap because he is sooo tired but just can't catch a wink! Do something small to feel productive. Wipe the counters, tidy the bathroom, brush your teeth, take out the garbage. You'd be surprised what a few small tasks can do to make you feel better!

Get out of the house

I know it's scary, especially if it's a bad colicky day, but both of you need to get out of the house and take your mind off things. One time Rory cried so much I finally put him in his carseat and went for a walk. He sucked on his soother the whole time and just stared at me. I think he was happy to get his mind off things too.

Meet Rory. Video

Just a little peak into our journey meeting sweet Rory

Confessions of a FTM (first time mom)

You guys. I have been wanting to write like 20 different blog posts since I've had Rory. So many things have been on my mind. In the wee hours of the morning when Rory and I are up, I practically write the whole post out in my head. So this post will be all of them combined, because frankly I only feel like using up 1 nap time to do this. Here it goes....

Confessions

-I was a bad friend to new moms before I had Rory. I am apologizing right here, right now to all my friends who had baby(ies) before me. I should have brought you a meal, I should have offered to let you take a nap, or clean your bathroom, or do your dishes. I wish I hadn't stayed so dang long thinking it was a pleasure for you to have me. I had no idea. Ignorance is bliss, that's all I know. Bless every single soul that brought us a meal those first few weeks. I know Nick appreciated them too. I barely had time to myself to go to the bathroom let alone be in the kitchen preparing a meal. Those meals kept us going.

 

 

-Bad mom syndrome. I'm sure I'm not the only one who suffers from this. Anything that goes wrong is my fault. Rory is too skinny, my milk supply is low, he is sensitive to dairy... all my fault. Nick is always rubbing my back telling me how great of a mom I am. Rory is lucky to have me. Things will get better, things will sort themselves out. I know this deep down, but the second something goes wrong that bad mom syndrome kicks into full swing. Bless Nick's heart for genuinely asking me how I am doing every day. I am fine all day until he asks me those words. So I just cry and tell him it's been hard. Even if it was pretty great! It's still hard. And he still asks. Even though he knows there will be tears to pay.

-Other FTMs. Thank goodness for friends with new babies. There's something about talking to another FTM who is/was going through what you are. They sympathize. They listen. They don't tell you what you should be doing or pretend to know your baby better than you do. They share their trial and errors, they share their weaknesses, they are vulnerable with you. They're not preachy or trying to be too helpful. They have been one of my biggest helps this first month.

These are what I like to call The 3 Stages of a FTM. At least... these were my stages.

1. Honeymoon stage. (Week 1) First time having a baby. You meet your perfect little piece of heaven and you fall madly in love. Even though your life is turned upside down and things are changed forever you don't even notice. You are completely and utterly in love. Nothing matters but them. Everything that happens is wonderful, every diaper change, every middle of the night cry, every little body ache or pain, it's all absolutely perfect. Life simply could not be better.

2. Survival mode. (Week 2-3) The honeymoon stage is over people. The love remains but reality has hit. The sleepless nights are starting to take a toll, nap when he naps?? I don't think so. Rory can't lift his head up but surely he will roll over and die or smother himself with something while I am peacefully sleeping. I can hear every single breath in the bassinet while I'm trying to fall asleep. I keep checking on him. Still alive. So finally I started wearing an ear plug. Just 1. Enough to drown out the breathing but I can still hear him fussing. Mom isn't at my side 24.7 anymore. We are a little more on our own. Those meals are starting to slow down, we are running out of groceries. I guess we will live off of yogurt tubes and ichiban for today. Laundry? forget about it. Start rotating through those pajama pants again. Showers? Wasn't great at those beforehand but man I would kill for one every day. That gross milk smell is doing no one a favor.

 

3. This is my new life (week 4+) We are starting to venture out of the house a little more. Doctor appointments, the occasional trip to Grandma and Grandpas. A quick diaper run to shoppers. He's not quite so much of a china doll, you sleep more soundly at night. Baby is taking more consistent naps, there's time to make a sandwich or get dinner started. You recognize those cries better. He's hungry. He's sleepy, He's gassy. You start to speak their language. He doesn't cry every diaper change or every time you have to change their clothes. He is getting used to this world.

Don't get me wrong this is the best thing that has ever happened to us. There are nights I just sit and cry a few tears because I feel so lucky to be Rory's mom. We love him more than we could have imagined. I wouldn't trade motherhood for anything, I love being tied down to this little man. Sometimes isn't it good to just look back on things and laugh a little bit? I'm sure Heavenly Father got more than a few good chuckles watching me this last month trying to play mom. We love our little slice of heaven and can't wait for more crazy adventures ahead!